How to Find Good Friends.
As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I have often been asked about friendships in my work with clients over the years. Clients frequently tell me that they sometimes do not feel like they have the quality of friendships that they really want and deserve. It’s hard to make new friends, especially as an adult! In this post, I’ll outline some tips that have helped my clients determine whether a new person they have met may end up being a quality friend!
Maybe you meet someone cool at a coffee shop, a restaurant or bar, at work, or at an event. Maybe you chat for a while and feel like you vibe!
“Maybe we could be friends!”
While this is a fun and exciting feeling, we don’t always pause to ask ourselves some key questions before we allow someone new into our lives. Part of what I’ve learned during my life is that not everyone is equally worthy or deserving of our time, attention, energy, and resources.
That doesn’t make them bad people! It just means that maybe they aren’t meant to be our people.
I believe that to find good friends, we have to be intentional about how we choose to build community around us. This means being intentional and thoughtful about who we select to be an acquaintance friend, a good friend, or a best friend in our inner circle.
Depending on our backgrounds and our past history, we may find ourselves attracting people who remind us of others in our past. This can be a great thing, but it can also sometimes lead to the repetition of negative relational patterns if we have a history of trauma or unhealthy relationships.
Below are a few questions to consider when you’re getting to know a new person and determining whether they just may turn out to be a new good friend!
Do I respect them?: This question is important to me because, as someone who grew up parentified and often in the position of listening and helping others as a priority, I found myself being attracted to people who needed me. I found myself attracted to new people when I could sense their wounding, their pain or anxiety or fear, or just if they may need my help in some way. While it’s great to be a kind person and help people, I’ve had to learn the hard way that not everyone I help needs to be an “inner circle friend.” Since becoming a professional LMFT and providing therapy services for a living, I have had to learn to protect my time and energy in my personal life. That includes being thoughtful and intentional about the type of people I choose to surround myself with in my free time or use my energy to text. Since this realization, one of the standards I have created for myself is making sure the new person I have met is someone I respect. That may sound a bit elitist or snotty, but I promise I don’t intend it that way! It simply means that I look for individuals who I admire in some way. Maybe they’re a talented artist. Perhaps they have different hobbies or interests I find interesting and can learn from. Maybe they work hard at what they do, and I respect their work ethic. Maybe they’re an amazing parent, and I respect that about them. There are so many different reasons to admire someone, and I believe that mutual respect is imperative in a healthy relationship or friendship.
Would I like to be more like them?: As human beings, we are influenced by our environment. That includes the people we surround ourselves with. Whether we realize it or not, we may pick up habits, ways of speaking, ways of behaving, ways of dressing, etc., from the friends we are around or interact with. When meeting new people, I like to take note of how they move through the world, how they treat themselves, and how they treat others. If I respect or admire them in some way, I gently ask myself, “Would I want to be a little more like this person?”. For example, the last new friend I made was a fellow therapist who I noticed always spoke thoughtfully and kindly to others. I respected her intellectual curiosity, her work ethic, and how she treated her colleagues and clients. I admired her intellect and love for reading. It inspired me to want to read more, and now I do! I also took note of her self-respect, as she was openly and kindly communicative about her personal boundaries. As I got to know her, I developed a deep respect for who she was as a person and how she showed up in the world. When I asked myself if I would want to incorporate some of her qualities into my own way of being (by way of subconsciously influencing each other), the answer was a definitive yes! I made an effort to get to know her better and also share appropriate aspects of myself with her over time. A year and a half later, we are close friends who text and hang out regularly, and I’m a better person for it!
Is it a reciprocal friendship relationship?: As I previously mentioned, in my young adulthood, I often found myself being the “giver” in friendships. I would always show up for them, listen to their problems, and be present for them when they were having a hard time. It wasn’t until I started having a hard time mentally and emotionally during the challenges of graduate school that I realized not all of my friends were able to reciprocate and be there for me the way I had been there for them. I realized some of my friendships were imbalanced. As a natural giver, I had to stop subconsciously attracting people who needed me and ask myself the hard question, “Does this person give back to me in their own way, but with equal energy?”. This may sound selfish to some reading this, but I actually found that by being intentional in seeking out new friends who made an effort to ask about my thoughts, feelings, and my life, I actually cultivated more balanced and equal relationships because I naturally did the same for them. I don’t believe in “keeping score” in friendships. Not everything needs to be quid pro quo all the time; however, if you find yourself giving of your time, energy, attention, or resources but rarely ever receiving the same support, you may want to consider seeking out new friends who can reciprocate the energy that you put into relationships.
