What Does My Therapist Really Think About Me? - A Therapist’s Thoughts.
The relationship between a therapist and a client is one of the most intimate relationships we can have. We tell our therapists the deepest parts of our past, about our traumas, and share our deepest thoughts and feelings with them. We tell them the stories of our lives.
So often, however, we don’t know what they are thinking about us. They’re professionals, after all. They are clinically trained to know what to say, how to respond to us, and help us process through our thoughts and feelings and stories. They’re still just people, though. They are still human beings with their own thoughts, feelings, perspectives, and opinions - many of which they may not share with us if it’s not clinically relevant.
I’m Liz Davis, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in the State of Missouri, and a Clinically Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in the State of Kansas. As a therapist myself, today I want to share with you my own experience of what I really think and feel about and towards my clients. Let’s unpack this!
In this blog post, I’m going to explain how I feel about meeting new clients, what my first impressions are, what I think and feel about and towards my existing clients, how I handle it when I have my own personal opinions and perspectives in sessions when my clients are talking, and whether I think about my clients outside of session.
How I Feel About Meeting New Clients
I’m going to be honest. In the beginning, when I was a Graduate Student Intern about to see my first client, I was so nervous! I wanted them to like me. I wanted them to want to return. I wanted to make sure I said everything “right”. I just desperately wanted the session to go well. Upon meeting my first client in person, I was still nervous when they entered the room and got seated. I went over the intake paperwork as I was trained to do. Then I just listened as they told me what brought them in, and the stories of their life. I made it through the session; however, surprise, the client didn’t come back!! I could have let this shake my confidence, but I chose instead to use this as a great first learning opportunity. The main lesson I learned was there was no need to be so nervous - Clients are just human being like I am, and I know how to just talk to people and hold a conversation. The lesson I learned was not to try to “be a therapist”, but rather “just be me”. That’s a mantra I still use to this day when meeting new clients, and I believe it helps me adhere to the value of Liz Davis Therapy of Authenticity. If I’m authentically myself, my clients sense that and typically start to feel more comfortable being their own authentic selves more quickly! This helps us connect, build the therapeutic alliance (relationship), and learn to know each other so much more effectively and quickly!
Now, as an experienced therapist, I no longer have nerves when I see new client requests or greet new clients. Instead, I take a deep breath, remind myself “just be you”, keep an open mind, and greet my new client(s) with a warm smile and welcome them to their new safe space.
What My First Impressions Are
I always greet new clients at the front door or the waiting room. Human brains are wired to quickly assess other people and make an immediate judgment. Evolutionarily, this mechanism used to keep us safe so that we could quickly assess whether someone was a threat or a safe person. As a therapist, I’m not immune to being human. My brain automatically notices the client(s) appearance, facial expression, and their tone of voice when they greet me. As a more experienced therapist, I can usually quickly tell if a client is nervous and I do all that I can to put them at ease as I welcome them into the space and into my office. I offer for them to make themselves super comfortable and offer them a water before we get started. Other times, some types of clients may be more extroverted or outgoing. They may meet me with a big smile and an exuberant greeting. I still warmly welcome these clients into my office, but I make a point to still ask them how they feel about being there. Sometimes, clients use their smile and talkative nature to mask nervousness or just express cordial politeness. After some small talk, my job is to get us past this polite masking, and get to the deeper issues that brought them in; however, I do so gently and slowly. No need to get too deep too fast in a first session, unless the client asks for that.
What I Think and Feel Towards My Existing Clients
I have clients that I have been seeing for weeks, months, or even years. I still have some clients I have been seeing since the first week of my graduate school internship! Again, I want to be very honest. As a therapist, I personally value developing deep and meaningful relationships with my clients. I do not view my clients as people with problems to be “fixed”. I always want to get to know my clients as human being first and foremost, and I want to be my authentic self so that they can get to know me as well as a human being, as well as their therapist.
All of this means that I can honestly say that over time I come to care deeply for my clients. I view being a therapist as such an honor and a privilege. As a simple human being, they are choosing to come to me with their deepest thoughts, feelings, and stories. I do not take this lightly. I do everything I can to get to know my clients using my values of Authenticity, Acceptance, and Alignment. The relationships I have with my clients are what bring me the most joy in my work, and continue to fuel my passion for doing therapeutic work year after year.
This may be controversial for some therapeutic schools of thought, but I naturally come to feel deep care, and even love, for all of my clients. When a client is in the room with me, I am completely and totally invested in what they are sharing with me. I listen intently, taking notes on key points. I respond using my intuition and clinical training to offer the highest quality responses and guidance that I can. Over time, many of my long-term clients and I end up sharing inside jokes, funny anecdotes about our lives, and have fun small talk before and after sessions about our thoughts, feelings, interests, and passions.
My clients are more than just clients to me. They are people I genuinely care for. When I check my calendar in the morning to prepare for sessions, I sincerely get excited to see them! I actually look forward to going to work each day and getting to spend time with people that I care about and know so deeply.
Not all therapists do, but I often will text with clients in between sessions about topics that are clinically relevant to their care. They will also sometimes text me if they have a “win” or “loss” in life, a funny story that pertains to a session, or more intimate things like snippets of journal entries, quotes that spoke to them, and other things of that nature that they want me to be aware of. Occasionally, we will text therapy memes or jokes or share songs or movies that feel therapeutically relevant. These micro interactions with these clients that I care for bring me so much joy!
Not to belabor the point, but I truly feel warmth, compassion, and care for my clients. Even after a harder or more challenging session, even if a client gets upset with me, I view it like any other relationship - where they will naturally be ruptures and repairs, and every repair experience is an opportunity to strengthen the relationship. My training in AEDP has taught me that the relationship between the therapist and the client is just as healing as any clinical intervention. I take that concept into my work and into how I engage and think of my dear clients. Maintaining and strengthening these relationships is a top priority for me!
How I Handle My Own Personal Opinions and Perspectives In Session
Even when in a session with a client, therapists are not immune to having their own personal opinions, perspectives, judgments, and biases towards the issues at hand. I am so grateful that I am trained to notice when these things come up, set them aside, and refocus on truly understanding the situation from the clients’ perspectives before I verbally contribute or intervene. The simple act of noticing if I’m having an opinion, personal perspective, a judgment, or if a bias arises helps me to skillfully not allow that to influence my clinical judgment. As a therapist, I never want to impose my personal beliefs onto my client(s). That is not what they are there for. They are there because of my clinical training to help guide them through whatever issues brought them into therapy. As a professional, I do all that I can to honor this, and not let my personal thoughts sway my clinical judgment. Nor do I allow my personal beliefs to change how I perceive or feel about my client(s). We are all humans with gifts and flaws. I hope my clients give me grace when I expose my flaws, and I do everything I can to do the same for them.
Do I Think About My Clients Outside of Session?
The simple answer to this question is yes, of course! As I move through the world, little things may remind me of a client, or make me reflect on a past or recent session we had. As a therapist, my work takes a lot of emotional energy. I have to privilege caring for and protecting that energy outside of work so that I can be my best self in sessions.
For that reason, I ensure that I have boundaries between my professional and personal life. During business hours, I correspond with my clients via text and email, think of them as a prepare for session, and allow myself to keep them in my heart and mind. Right now I work late hours. I’m in the office seeing clients until about 8pm. Once the evening is done, I allow myself to reflect on that day’s sessions and my work on my fifteen minute drive home. Once I arrive home, however, I consider it my personal time. I do not dwell on sessions. I do not ruminate on what a client said or what I may have said. I simply enjoy being in the safety of my home space, and enjoy and hour and a half of decompression and self-care time to recharge before going to bed. Moreover, I only work Mondays through Thursdays. I do not check client texts, work emails, or allow myself to dwell on my clients during my weekend time Fridays through Sundays. I protect that sacred time for me and my personal life. These boundaries are what allow me to have amazing work-life balance, and also serve to prevent burnout.
I can only speak from my perspective as a professional therapist. But everything written in this blog post is my honest truth about what I think about regarding my clients. If you’re an existing client of mine, know that I deeply care for you and your well-being. You impact me in such a positive way, just as much as I may impact you. If you are not an existing client, but were curious about a therapist’s thoughts about their clients, just know that it’s possible to find a therapist that genuinely cares about you and building a deep and intimate and healing relationship with you. I hope this blog post provides even just a bit of insight into what a professional therapist really thinks about their clients! Wishing you all the best!
Warmly,
Liz
